The Grief of Goodbye

Saying Goodbye is a challenge for most people. Some never know how to “leave” in peace. It is unfortunate that the pain of grief seems to manifest into trauma. Proper goodbyes are not practiced as they should be. I have experienced my own and have witnessed others developing patterns of toxic goodbyes. Working in a school environment I watch the first goodbyes of the “new to school” parents as they anticipate the water works and automatically assume that their scholar is not ready to experience a full day away from family or them. Loading their anxiety on the scholar to only by mid-day get annoyed with the call to return for “pick up” of a little one who does not  understand why they have been left with these new people that have so many rules.

Once the scholar gets accustomed to the patterns and develops their friend circles they grieve the friendships throughout the weekend. Questioning the missing rules and friends. They recognize the fun in friendship and recognize the shift in the intensity of rules in school versus rules at home. Some then grieve the prior classroom practices of their first or favorite teacher, Others begin to prefer the freedom in one grade versus the new limitations of another. 

When maturation begins another level of struggle starts to present. Now friend groups shift and certain scholars mature and no longer wish for the same attachments. This is a part that teachers and parents just don't understand. Wondering how their reasonable scholar is now so different. The statement rings true inside the halls and through the cell communications. Friend circles change and feelings are hurt. Friends now fight verbally and have a new circle that backs their feelings. Still it is that “one” scholar that feels rejected and unchosen and it stays with them throughout. That is the scholar that needs to leave the ended relationship first or cannot leave the relationship without a fight.

Interestingly enough these fights continue throughout life. The break up of friends from elementary school when scholars transition into their high school communities. The loss of leaving behind high school sweethearts to embark on post secondary adventures. College roommates no longer feel as cozy either as the visits to homecoming or communication fades and many times the people you felt you cannot know life without somehow are no longer a part of your life anymore. 

If you are lucky you are not interrupted with the heaviness of losing the core of your family early. Once those interruptions start it feels like grief just stays in front of all other emotions. Grieving all the “once upon a time” moments you can remember until they too fade. Then a level of anxiety regarding the grief you see in others. At times it feels like you are watching an old film where you can predict the ending, right as the opening credits are loading. 

Exhausting as it is managing the goodbyes is critical to overcoming the grief.